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mood |
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[Evanescence - Breathe No More] |
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.... I .. can't do this anymore.. I've been cut free for.. 3 months.. I can't keep it up.. I'm so scared.. I need to rant, I haven't in so long.. Here's a summery of the past year...
May of 2004 I started cutting, but barely at all. Then september 2004 I started again, but really majorly. My whole right leg, half or my left leg, and my whole right arm. And in november 2004 I went anorexic. Then my parents found out about both of them during the christmas break and put me into counsiling.. Christmas day was the worst day of my life, I can't remember much of anything that's happened to me these days, but I know it was the worst.
So the new year begins and I'm still cutting, and in february - beginning or april I started smoking cigerettes and weed. Unfortunatly my parents found out about that aswell.. And they found out I was bi.
Things kinda settled down a bit after that.. Then in the first week of june, my mom said if I stopped cutting I could get my eyebrow pierced. I've wanted it done for as long as I can remember, so I agreed. [I can't believe that I've only screwed up once since then. ] So all was going okay... but then my mom tells me [on fathers day] that my dad and her were getting a devorce. What the fuck. On fucking fathers day, 4 days before my grade eight graduation. I wanted to kill her, and I still do.
My dad was basically kicked out, torn from everyone that he loved. I pretended that I was okay, but of course that's a great 14th birthday present. Then my mom started dating and so did my dad.. like 2 weeks after they split up! Yeah great example for my little brother. I actually respected my dad though, he was honest the whole time, and my mom lied about it after I yelled and screamed at her to tell me the fucking truth. Damn her to hell.
So I go into my first year of high school all fucked up. Yes I still smoke but my parents have no idea. Fuck them. I don't give a shit anymore. [when have I ever?] 2 months ago I found out that my mom's long term dissability was going to be canceled. [she had to go on for being diagnosed with hepititus C] and now she can't get a job. And I come home today to my dad's house [my house now] to find out he's been fired. That's just great.
We had to sell my old house because neither of my parents could afford it. It fucking sucks. There's too many memories in that house, I never wanted to move. But at least I'm moving in with my dad. I wish I could have no contact with my mom, I hate her fucking guts.
I feel like cutting so badly.. but I don't know what my parents will do if they find out.. There's not much they can do, but keep me cooped up inside, and that's what I hate. For my strict ass parents to become even more strict. I hate the fact that they're split up and yet they still parent me and my brother together. It's gay as hell! My mom [who's too strict] always finds a way to pursuade my dad.
Is it wrong to hate your mother so much that you don't ever want to speak to her again? It's it wrong to want to be fucked up? The more messed up I am, the more I understand myself.. it's so weird. And I hate when I'm happy..
Goddamn... someone help me hold out a bit longer.. Just intill everything settles down at my house.. I couldn't bare to cause my dad any more pain.
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